


Cause of Sorrow

by VoiceActress



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Depression, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 05:51:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20887154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VoiceActress/pseuds/VoiceActress
Summary: Victory over Rhea and Nemesis came at a cost. Ravaged by sleeplessness, grief, and the demons inside her mind, Edelgard struggles to keep everything together, forever haunted by the memories of the one she loved. The one she could not save.Edeleth Week Day 5 Submission





	Cause of Sorrow

**Author's Note:**

> Major Content Warning: Suicidal Thoughts and Suicide
> 
> This is a really intense piece. Please read at your own risk.

_ You failed. _

No, I did not.

_ You are weak, you are nothing. _

I am far from that.

_You couldn’t save them all. _

Sacrifices must be made.

_ Even her? _

I flinch awake. The voices in my head sneer at me with glee.

_ Did we hit a nerve? Can’t sleep anymore? _

I growl, biting my teeth as I ignore them.

_ Who are you now? You’re no Edelgard. You’re no emperor. _

I straighten myself up. The only light came from the full moon, shining through one of my windows. I squint at the clock hanging on the wall: 4 AM. I shouldn’t be awake, but I knew I couldn’t just lie down again. This seems to always happen nowadays, every night. How many times have I tried to sleep today, alone? Three times? Four times?

_ Do you miss her? _ They ask again, mocking me. My fists clench. Why are they so persistent, more and more? How many years has it been now?

_ You’re a failure, a fraud. A nothing, a failure. _ They scream, circling my mind like wolves. I push my arms against the bed, struggling out of it as they continue to taunt me with their jeers. Outside, I hear the wind shrieking about, whisking through the city of Enbarr like banshees. They rattle the windows and balcony doors, clawing against the glass.

_ You can’t save anyone. You couldn’t save her._ I take a few steps, stumbling towards my drawers where I kept my belongings and clothing. My hand clutches the wood grooves, scrambling for support as I steady myself. My fingers thoughtlessly drag across the top of one, collecting thin grains of dust.

I feel so tired all the time, utterly exhausted everyday. I could never sleep right anymore. I never had time to do anything I wanted to do, or needed to, for that matter. What have I even done for the past week? I don’t even know, nor do I remember.

_You can’t do anything right anymore._ The voice wasn’t wrong. I don’t remember how long I’ve stayed locked up in this room for, how many days, or weeks it's been. Did I even leave? When was it last since I’ve dressed properly? When was it last that she and I fought together? When was it when Fhirdiad fell? It… didn’t matter, anymore.

_Look at yourself, so far gone. Can’t even tell time anymore, can you?_ I stumble upon my old body mirror, neatly placed in the corner next to my drawers. My white hair’s a mess. Loose ends stuck out every which way, strands sticking out where they shouldn’t. I feel knots everywhere as I pull a finger through one of my locks.

My eyes and face didn’t fare any better. Black bags surround my lower eyelids, while my lips look far beyond any sort of chapped. Below them, I find my scarred arms, body, and legs. One of my gown straps had slipped, falling below the shoulder. I turn away from the person in the mirror, unsure if it really was me.

_You should be ashamed._

I move on to the other drawer, until a torrent of emotions spills over onto me, like a high tide smothering the sand. Atop it, I find a small teddy bear dressed as a knight. Tears well in my eye, and I start to sniffle.

“I bought this at the market for you. I thought you’d like it.”

I grab it from it’s post, and hug it tight into my head. The pain, the agony, the solitude, everything. It starts to spill, it starts to fall like bricks, like a cliff collapsing back into the sea. I sob, I cry, I bawl. The memories of the one I loved become clearer and clearer as I squeeze the teddy bear, hoping that perhaps she would reappear before me once again. The memories rush out, crushing me underneath.

“You did great work today, Edelgard. I’m quite impressed with you!” She says to me, offering a consoling pat on my shoulder after one of her difficult exams. I blush, never used to the praise she always gave me.

“We’ll win this battle, I promise you.” She says to the rest of us, leading us to our positions. “I’ll protect all of you if things go wrong.” She always carried an aura of certainty around her, as if everything would always go her way. I trusted her so implicitly, the more I fought under her.

“Shall we have a dance?” I ask her, reaching out my hand. To my surprise, she takes it with a bright, heartwarming smile. We spin round, and round. My cheeks burn in embarrassment, even as my feet circle around her gracefully. Did I spy a faint blush on her cheeks as well?

_You couldn’t save her._

I sit on the floor, curling into a ball. I squeeze the teddy bear deeper into my chest, bringing my knees to my head. My hot tears stream down my cheeks, dripping onto my arms and legs, sliding down like slime. My nose grows stuffy, my sobs soaking into the plushie. My breathing grows short, my breaths turn into wheezes. I remember the moment so clearly now, even as I so desperately wanted to forget it.

I charge against him, that King of Liberation. He strikes first, his sword glancing against my shield as I push him back. I swing Aymr, but he dodges to the side. His leg flies, his kick narrowly missing my head as I duck. We swiftly dodge one another’s strikes, leaping to and fro. Our weapons clash once, then twice more, staggering back to our starting positions, neither side yielding an inch.

I leap forward, both of my hands gripping Aymr above me, but he rolls aside. My axe embeds itself into the dirt. Then, I hear that sound, that awful screech of metal against metal, of blade against blade again. It flashes like a whip, the dark, twisted mimicry of the Sword of the Creator flying its way towards me. I move far too slow. It seeks my heart. I know my shield would not stop it in time. Was this how I would die?

It should have killed me, but she, Byleth, had pushed me aside at the last minute. The dark sword embeds itself deep through her body, blood soaking her skin and coat in dark crimson. I roar in rage and fury as I sprint for Nemesis. His sword attempts to retract but I kick it out of his hand. He staggers, and with one more swing, Aymr embeds itself into his chest. White light pours from his wound as he falls to the floor, disintegrating, along with the rest of his amassed thrall army. But it didn’t matter to me.

I drop Aymr and sprint back to her, back to Byleth. I’ve seen too many wounded soldiers to not know a dying woman when I see one. Still, I refused to believe it. I cradle her in my arms, hoping that somehow I could save her.

“Why did you do it?” I scream at her, my eyes raining tears. “Why, why, why?! I told you to stay behind! You shouldn’t have been on the frontlines!”

Byleth reaches to touch my cheek. She gently caresses it, my tears streaming down her blood-soaked gloves. “You would have died if I wasn’t here.”

“And now you’re here, dying right in front of me!” I shriek, my voice cracking. “Why were you on the frontlines!? You know you don’t have your powers anymore!”

“Better that I die, than you,” She says, her fingers running against my skin so comfortably. “No more tears, El… please…” She whispers, her voice quickly fading.

“Please Byleth, please don’t! Please don’t leave me!” I shout and howl in hysterics.

“Smile… El…” She whispers, her words like a wisp in the wind. “Heroes… always smile...” she drifts off, a smile on her lips as her eyes close. Her arm grows limp. It falls.

“No, no no no no no no! NO!” I screech, bending my head against her chest, and then running my fingers up to her neck. No pulse, no heartbeat. No nothing.

I don’t remember anything after that.

_Wretch. Fraud. Failure. Filth._

I cower against the voices. I shrivel into my corner, my hands holding my head. “Please stop,” I scream, I whimper. The voices sneer, laughing. My tears stream down my cheeks. I want this to end, I want this all to be over. I fumble and start scrambling away, running from them. My hands bang against the floor as I flee.

_Wretch._

__

__

Fraud.

Failure.

_Filth._

My head collides with the balcony door, sending me into throbbing pain. And yet, as I stare through the glass I find the moonlight so… oddly comforting. The voices continue their taunts as I stand up ever so slowly, and unlock the door. I pull it open, only for the gale to blow both of them wide, snapping against the walls.

I stand outside, the freezing gale biting my skin, but I don’t mind. The wind courses through my ragged hair, threatening to throw me off. I shudder, but the cold compels me forward. The moon… so beautiful in such a starry, dark sky. My hands move on to the balcony railings.

Wouldn’t it be so easy? To lift my legs up, to end it all? To fall to the courtyard below, to no longer feel this agony in my chest? It feels… so inviting. My arms push my body onto the railings. My body stands straight, perilously balanced onto the balcony railings never meant for something like this.

_Do it._

I lift one leg. One foot dangling above death, the other holding all my weight. The gale picks up speed.

“Goodbye…” I whisper. “I join you now, my love…”

“YOUR MAJESTY!” A bang on my door. “Open this door this instant, I shall not abide by your orders any longer!”

“Hubert?” I call, but my voice doesn’t reach him. My body turns, and catches the wind. My balance falters. My foot slips. The door explodes in a blast of dark magic revealing Hubert, his face quickly turning into agony as he watches as I fall. He runs for me, his hand outstretched, diving forward.

But he’s too late.

_Goodbye._

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this during one of my severe depression episodes this week. I needed an outlet for my emotions, and I thought of using Edeleth Week as a way to cope.
> 
> Please understand that this comes from a very dark place in my mind. I hope those that struggle with mental illness understand where I'm coming from. 
> 
> Suicide isn't the answer, and it never is. Please, reach out to your friends, they care about you, they love you. Stay in touch with them, and connect with them, cause before you know it, it might be too late.
> 
> Thank you.


End file.
